Everything that Could Possibly Go Wrong with the Transformers Movie
So, guess what opens next week? Possibly one of the most anticipated geek films of the summer. Heck, maybe the ONLY geek film of the summer that isn’t a sequel. But I confess freely: I have no faith in Michael Bay’s directing. None. Nada. Zero. I walked out of The Island declaring I would never see another Michael Bay film as long as I lived. Then this happens, and I have to eat my words. So yes, I’ll go see Transformers. And here’s what I’m expecting:
1. The characters will be idiots. (That’s kind of a given.)
2. The CGI won’t look right. (The scale will change, the green screening will be off, something.)
3. Plot holes so big you could drive a Mack truck. . .oh, wait, that’s kind of funny. Let me rephrase. Plot holes so big someone WILL drive a Mack truck through them. Or the truck will drive itself.
4. At least one scene of manipulative sentimentality involving a small child.
5. Romance shoe-horned into an explosion-filled action story for no good reason.
6. At least one long action sequence lifted wholesale from one of the Star Wars movies. If we’re lucky, it’ll be something like the one where Luke single-handedly blows up an AT-AT. If we’re not, it’ll be the one where Padme has to dodge the widget-making machinery on that planet I can’t remember the name of.
7. One of the beloved characters from the cartoon will be horrifically “re-imagined.” My vote goes to Bumblebee or Starscream. (Ooh, ooh, ooh, I got it. Bumblebee will have to be one of the new VW Beetles, and in a blatant case of product placement he’ll have to be in one of those funky designer colors they’re so fond of.)
I’m clinging to one shred of coolness: Hugo Weaving is the voice of Megatron. So there’s hope. I’m just not holding my breath.
Brad B said,
Wrote on June 29, 2007 @ 4:00 pm
Wow! This is all about expectations, isn’t it? The critics were pretty rough on The Island, so when I saw it, I was able to appreciate the good things about the film (low expectations). On the other hand, when I saw The Shining years ago, I expected tremendous things because of the Director(Kubrick), Star(Nicholson), and the source book’s author (Stephen King.) I was sorely disappointed in the film. (But in retrospect, it’s really not that bad.)
As for Michael Bay, I must say I enjoyed Pearl Harbor, so perhaps there is hope for the Transformers movie. However, I’m always sceptical about a movie based on toys. Talk about commercialism.
Pat said,
Wrote on July 1, 2007 @ 9:46 pm
Mate take it easy! i waited 20 years to see this and i wasn’t dissapointed (it opened on the 28th of june in oz) but try for one minute to stop thinking 2D, just imagine a vw beetle on a high speed car chase, not possible! and as for the CGI, well let me tell you, the robots are there and look so bloody real you can smell the motor oil, like any fan of the series you are probably aware the transformers have been re-imagined countless times and some of those times haven’t been so successful,and michael bay did his best to make it as real as possible (well as real as it can be, having giant robots flying around)but if you are planning to go see a movie just to find faults with it, which is kind of sad really; I recomend you instead stay home.
Rob said,
Wrote on July 2, 2007 @ 4:39 pm
Hey Pat,
Since you’ve already seen it, why not tell those of us in America how Carrie did with her list?
I especially found numbers 4 and 5 to be humorous and wouldn’t be surprised if Michael Bey fulfilled her expectations. What more can one expect from Bey films such as Armageddon and Pearl Harbor? I haven’t seen The Island, yet. Not sure if I’m ready to devote 2 hours of my life that I will never get back.
Despite this, I truly am looking forward to being entertained by Transformers.
-Autobots… Roll Out!
CD Reed said,
Wrote on July 9, 2007 @ 4:49 pm
OK… Saw it….
Preface this with the fact that I pretty much despise Michael Bay’s previous work.
And this is my favorite movie of the summer.
For anybody who grew up on Transformers, this is exactly the movie they dreamed of. Despite Michael Bay.
To address Carrie’s list…..
1. The characters will be idiots. (That’s kind of a given.)
Well, there are disaster movie-type idiots played by Anthony Anderson and John Turturro, but they’re always good at playing idiots. Jon Voight also plays it by the numbers as a secretary of defense… But I don’t think anyone went into Transformers thinking they had an acting Oscar in mind.
Actually reminded me a lot of the acting in “Independence Day.” In fact, for sheer summer movie fun, ID4 and Transformers are basically cut from the same cloth.
2. The CGI won’t look right. (The scale will change, the green screening will be off, something.)
Here’s where the Oscar should be coming… for ILM… Just amazing. Thankfully, Bay didn’t do his usual “only give you two seconds of a cool image before cutting away)
3. Plot holes so big you could drive a Mack truck. . .oh, wait, that’s kind of funny. Let me rephrase. Plot holes so big someone WILL drive a Mack truck through them. Or the truck will drive itself.
Thought the plotline was actually pretty decent and the divergence from past Transformers cartoons/comics etc. worked perfectly. Surprisingly good humor as well that wasn’t too corny or childish. Only hole is mentioned as a minor spoiler below….
4. At least one scene of manipulative sentimentality involving a small child.
Kind of the equivalent to the cat in the tree scene from the first Superman movie…
5. Romance shoe-horned into an explosion-filled action story for no good reason.
Romance was bearable…… And Bay didn’t pull his Aerosmith video sunset stuff until [MILD SPOILER] the very end of the movie.
6. At least one long action sequence lifted wholesale from one of the Star Wars movies. If we’re lucky, it’ll be something like the one where Luke single-handedly blows up an AT-AT. If we’re not, it’ll be the one where Padme has to dodge the widget-making machinery on that planet I can’t remember the name of.
Can’t say there was a scene that made me recall Star Wars too much, though as aforementioned, there was definitely inspiration from “Independence Day” complete with the “secret base with alien technology saved from decade ago” plotline.
7. One of the beloved characters from the cartoon will be horrifically “re-imagined.” My vote goes to Bumblebee or Starscream. (Ooh, ooh, ooh, I got it. Bumblebee will have to be one of the new VW Beetles, and in a blatant case of product placement he’ll have to be in one
Bumblebee’s new muteness actually works…. And the fact Megatron becomes an advanced alien ship rather than a gun is better anyway… I mean, how credible is it that the leader of evildoers main power is to become a gun.
Otherwise, pretty much the same Transformers we remember and one of the best moves by the producers was having Peter Cullen back as the voice of Optimus Prime. Forget the flames on the paint job, this IS Optimus Prime.
Despite Transformers’ brilliance, there is a lapse into typical Michael Bay…..
[MILD SPOILER]
[MILD LIKE THE GREEN TACO SAUCE]
[OR PALMOLIVE]
When the movie’s action shifts from Hoover Dam to downtown Los Angeles, characters in the film manage to drive non-Autobot military vehicles from the Arizona/Nevada border to L.A. in, oh, about five minutes, rather than five hours.
Kind of like how in Michael Bay’s world, shuttle launch pads are right next to each other and L.A. is next to Hoover Dam instead of Las Vegas.
Carrie said,
Wrote on July 10, 2007 @ 2:38 am
Yeah, I actually kind of bombed on my predictions. That said, there was no mistaking this for anything but a Michael Bay film.